Monday, February 05, 2007
A Fairy Tale
Guy, being an obedient son, promptly married a crowd-pleasing princess when he became of age.
Player didn’t settle down.
No one noticed when Dude gave his heart away to a sweet little commoner named Chick. He didn’t intend to do anything wrong; however, he was attracted to her innocence and lack of the pompous manner associated with most princesses.
Every afternoon, Dude and Chick would go walking in the fields of purple flowers surrounding the palace. He knew he loved her and that the feeling was mutual. However, marrying her would be rebelling against his father and disrespecting the whole kingdom. Still, he would walk with her everyday, hoping the carefree days would never end.
One day, he accidentally let his tongue slip, and three little words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them.
“Ditto!” Chick exclaimed with such devotion, that Dude felt his heart melt.
That night, after he walked her home to the little mud hut she lived in, Dude knew he had to confess to his father that he was in love with a commoner.
“My son, you can’t shame the kingdom by marrying her,” was the king’s verdict. “We both know that Guy will be king after me and not you, but marrying her will give our whole kingdom a bad name. I won’t force you to stop loving her, but you can never marry her.”
“Yes, Father,” Dude replied obediently.
Meanwhile, in a far away kingdom, a king named Darth was plotting with his daughter Dart. “My dear, if you marry Player, I will personally put a bullet through Guy’s head. Then the kingdom will be ours!”
Dart was every bit as evil as her father. She promptly set out to woo Player. That was no problem; he loved her immediately. However, he did not love only her. Dart wrote home to her father of this impediment. Darth immediately sent forth an army to kill off Player’s other lovers.
“It must be an omen that every one you’ve loved except me has been killed,” Dart hinted to Player. However, he was rather dense, so she hinted farther: “I really dig your dead mother’s engagement rock.”
Finally, Player married Dart.
At the wedding, Guy was tragically killed by a pot of boiling water accidentally dropped on him by a newly hired maid who came from the land that Darth ruled.
Meanwhile, another newly hired maid from the same land was recklessly sharpening a butcher knife in the presence of the king. Suddenly, the blade slipped from her hand, and would have pierced the king in the heart had it not been for a sweet little commoner named Chick, who pulled the king to safety once she discerned what was happening.
Both maids were immediately locked in prison towers.
That night, fate intervened and Player fell tragically ill with a serious case of hives. He died at
“My son, you are now the crown prince” the rather dense king announced to Dude what he had already figured out on his own.
“You got it,” Dude replied.
“So, who do you intend to marry?” the king asked Dude.
“You know very well, father,” he replied coldly. “But apparently I will have to marry some snobbish princess of your choosing.”
“Son, you are blinded by love! Do you not see that the reputation of our entire kingdom is at stake?” the king bellowed.
“Yes, Father,” Dude regained his submissive disposition. “I’ll dump her in the morning.” However, Dude did not intend to see the morning.
He took a quick swig of something marked “biohazard” that he found in the dungeon and promptly went to bed.
Meanwhile, the tale of Chick saving the king’s life was spreading like wildfire across the kingdom.
The following morning, the king awoke to the thunderous roar of thousands of voices. He walked out onto his balcony and saw throngs of people. “We want Chick! We want Chick!” they chanted. Some were holding picket signs with slogans such as “Let the people pick their queen!”
The king promptly died of a heart attack.
The following morning, Dude woke up. His first thought was “blimey, I’m alive!” His second thought was “blimey, I’m king!” (Dude took the time to walk over to his window and see his dead father’s body on the balcony between the two thoughts.)
“Well, I guess I ought to please the people and marry the chick of their choosing,” he decided, feeling much happier about being submissive than he had the night before.
“Blimey, some of the 24-hour poison is missing!” Dude heard one of the maids exclaim from the dungeon.
“What exactly is 24-hour poison?” Dude queried.
“It kills you exactly 24 hours after you drink it,” the maid replied.
Dude excused himself and went and puked in the bathroom. Then, he donned his favorite Pink Spiders T-shirt and went to go propose to his true love.
He found her home deserted.
Word quickly spread that Chick had disappeared. The people went into mourning. (Some were already slightly bummed over the death of their king; however, now they went all-out and even dressed in black mourning clothes.)
The royal army was immediately commanded to set out in search of Chick. Dude also set out on his most trusty steed, vowing not return without his beloved.
Meanwhile, Chick was biding her time away locked in a tower in a faraway kingdom. Darth, in a fit of anger, had kidnapped her in revenge of Player’s death (which he was sure was no accident.) Her long beautiful hair grew and grew and her sweet countenance grew sadder and sadder.
One day, Darth was sitting in his lawn reading a fairy tale by the name of “Rapunzel”. Upon glancing up, he happened to catch sight of Chick’s long beautiful hair hanging from the tower. Immediately, he sent a maid to go hack it off.
Chick cried a river.
Dude traveled far and wide in search of his true love. One fair day, nearly a year after Chick’s initial disappearance, he heard a faint sweet sound. It was the sound of his beloved singing their favorite Pink Spiders song!
Dude rode in the direction of the sound as swiftly as he could. It was dusk by the time he found her.
“My darling,” he whispered.
“Dude!” Chick exclaimed.
“Sshh,” Dude warned. He pondered how to get up to Chick. The walls of the castle were too smooth to permit climbing.
“Blimey, when did you last cut your hair?” Chick asked in a hushed whisper.
“A year or two ago. I haven’t had time to cut it in my earnest search for you!” Dude replied. Suddenly he got a brilliant idea. He threw up the end of his hair to Chick, who tied it to the lone bar dividing her window. Swiftly, Dude climbed up to Chick. She wrapped her arms around him, and he climbed back down with Chick on his back. Pulling out his dagger, he chopped off his hair.
“I never liked crew cuts,” Chick stated. “Good thing I already dig you!”
“It’ll grow back, sweetie,” Dude reassured her as he swung her up onto his horse. They rode back in triumph and were greeted by hoards of adoring people once they returned to the kingdom.
Meanwhile, Darth was lying on his lawn reading “Beauty and the Beast” when he noticed some long hair tied to his prison tower blowing freely in the wind.
“Bloody heck!” he exclaimed in a thunderous growl. He leapt onto his trustiest horse to set out to regain Chick; however, in his haste, he accidentally led his horse off a cliff and promptly died.
Chick and Dude got married and lived happily ever after.
6 Comments:
Isn't it interesting how much symbolism people can pull out of stories? In high school, I always used to wonder if the author even meant everything my teachers would say it meant.
I think I have the hair that grows really fast part down...don't know about the others. =)