The Intuitive Reasonings of Jessica

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

"Weeping Woman" 1937

What feeling this painting evokes! Doesn't it just make you want to cry? Look at the agony in her eyes! The emotional intensity is heightened by the acid green and purple. Painted just months after Guernica, one of the most emotionally stirring murals in history, this painting excellently portrays the grief Picasso was going through at the time.
Jessica 9:10 AM | 10 comments |

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Inamorato and the Mashed Potatoes

Once upon a time there was a princess named Sultana. Sultana lived in a beautiful castle on a hill. At the foot of the hill was a moat infested with vicious crocodiles. Because of these dreadful crocodiles, no handsome knight dared to cross over the moat to propose to lovely Sultana.

Or so Sultana thought. She was actually quite disillusioned. The true reason no man dared ever to propose to her was because of her hideous face. Thankfully, Sultana owned no mirror. Therefore, she never had the displeasure of gazing upon her own harrowing countenance.

One day, Sultana received a heart-wrenching telegraph announcing that her parents had both died tragically in a game of spoons. Sultana went into mourning and cried without ceasing until she received another startling telegraph.

This telegraph was from her dear aunt Eunice. It read, "I accidentally left a pair of socks at your parents' castle when I last visited them. If you would be so kind as to ship them to me when the estate is settled, I would be much obliged. They are orange with pink polka dots. Much affection, Aunt Eunice."

This telegraph caused poor Sultana a great shock. It was several minutes before she could breathe normally.

"It's addressed to--to--Queen Sultana!" Sultana finally stammered, revealing the cause of her shock. "I'm queen!"

Meanwhile, on the other side of the planet, a handsome, respectable knight was being very punctilious in his life calling, which was slaying dragons. His name was Inamorato.

"Blimey, there's another one!" cried Inamorato upon noticing a dragon peering in through his kitchen window. Girding himself with his trusty rusty sword, Inamorato exited his castle, sad to leave his warm mashed potatoes, but glad to fulfill his life calling.

Once the dragon was dead, Inamorato returned to his dinner which was sadly quite cold. (The dragon had been rather disagreeable about dying.)

"Blimey, my dinner's cold," said Inamorato as he poked his cold mashed potatoes. "And these aren't even real mashed potatoes--they're from a mix! This dinner frickin' sucks!"

Just then, a chick knocked on Inamorato's door. He got up to answer it.

"Why hello, Floosie," Inamorato said, recognizing his female neighbor. He was in no mood to see visitors due to his sudden realization that he had been eating crap for the past 14 years (His parents had tragically died in a bumper car accident when he was four, and he had been forced to cook for himself ever since.) However, being the epitome of "gentleman", Inamorato held his tongue.

"You look rather disheartened," Floosie commented as she invited herself inside. She sat down at Inamorato's kitchen table. "Blimey, what have you been eating? Plain mashed potatoes from a mix?"

"Why, yes. How observant of you," Inamorato commented icily.

"What you need is a wife," Floosie commented. "Then you would come home from dragon slaying every night, and a warm made-from-scratch dinner would be waiting for you."

"By golly, you're right!" Inamorato exclaimed.

"Oh, Inamorato, I never thought the day would finally come that you would see!" Floosie exclaimed, looking quite enamored. "Kiss me, baby!"

But Inamorato was not listening. Quickly, he donned his cape and grabbed his trusty rusty sword and set out in search of a wife. He brushed passed Floosie and rushed from his home.

Inamorato ran and ran and ran until he tragically bumped into a helpless looking little old man with a 4 foot long white beard.

"Golly, I'm sorry!" Inamorato stammered. "Who the heck are you?"

"I'm the wise old man on the mountain. What can I help you with?" replied the little old man.

"Mountain? No wonder my legs are so sore!" Inamorato exclaimed as he looked over the railing of the scenic overlook. "Well, since you offered, I'd really dig some advice. I'm looking for a wife, but not just any wife. She has to be able to make mashed potatoes from scratch. So where do I find her?"

"Golly, that's a tough one," the wise old man replied. "Try the other side of the planet."

"Alright. Thank you kindly," Inamorato replied while slaying the wise old man's pet dragon. Once the creature was liquidated, he set out on a long journey, all the while slaying dragons.

One evening, Inamorato was resting from his travels in a friendly little tavern. "What's your vocation?" one of the regulars asked.

"I slay dragons," Inamorato replied. "I haven't seen any for months, however. What's with these parts?"

"Dragons? What are dragons?" asked the regulars, crowding around the lone traveler.

"You know, those big scaly creatures," replied Inamorato. His audience murmured among themselves, confused.

"Don't tell me there aren't dragons in these parts!" Inamorato exclaimed. "They're big, and green-"

"Ah, you mean crocodiles!" one of the regulars finally exclaimed.

"So you people have your own word for dragons," Inamorato laughed. "But please do tell me where I can find some, er, 'crocodiles'. I haven't slain one for nearly four months!"

"There's a moat that's full of them just 3 miles south of here," one of the men offered. "Let's have another round!"

Another round was had.

The following morning, Inamorato rose early to fulfill his life calling. He trudged all the way to the moat, all the while whistling and swinging his trusty rusty sword.

“Blimey, those are some funny-looking dragons,” Inamorato thought to himself as he began to slay them.

Meanwhile, Sultana was peering from her window. “Oh! He’s come to marry me!” she swooned with delight.

“Blimey, these are some funny-acting dragons!” Inamorato began to panic. “What large teeth they have!”

Just then, one of the crocodiles lunged for Inamorato’s head and made off with both his eyeballs.

“Blimey! I think I’ll switch vocation!” Inamorato decided as he blindly thrust his trusty rusty sword in the side of the last crocodile.

“Oh, darling, you’ve come at last!” Sultana exclaimed with delight as she cradled Inamorato’s wounded head in her arm. "Come up to our home, and have something to eat!”

“Mashed… potatoes…” Inamorato whispered before fainting from lack of blood. When he awoke, there was a plate of freshly mashed potatoes in front of him and a king’s crown on his head.

“Sweet deal,” he decided. “It’s a bummer I can’t gaze upon your beauteous countenance.”

“You poor dear,” replied Sultana. “Have some more mashed potatoes.”

They lived happily ever after.
Jessica 7:17 PM | 5 comments |

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I got a rose from someone special


Jessica 9:24 PM | 1 comments |

Monday, February 12, 2007

My Awesome Weekend

This weekend, I had a time that cannot be more eloquently described with any word other than "awesome". It all started at about 4 am when I had a very enlightening conversation with someone sleeping in my sister's bed. Because the person was sleeping in my sister's bed, I naturally assumed that she was my sister. Had I been more awake at the time, I would quickly have realized that she was not my sister, because, while my sister talks in her sleep, she always wakes up immediately if one replies to her odd questions. This person, on the other hand, was more loquacious than any other sleeping person I have ever conversed with.

I did not realize that the person was not my sister until I went downstairs and found her sleeping on our couch. At that point I determined that the insightful dialogue of the wee hours of the morning had been but a dream.

I then went upstairs and turned the lights on in my darkened bedroom, and began loudly playing on my sister's computer while packing for an exciting trip I was about to embark upon (I excel at multi-tasking; right now, for instance, I am drinking chocolate milk and typing on Mia's computer at the same time). I heard some heavy breathing from my sister's loft bed above my head. I again discarded the notion as absurd. However, once the person rolled over, I got up from the computer to investigate. Lo and behold, there was a chick in my sister's bed who shall remain anonymous because I am uncertain as to whether she would like to have her sleeping habits posted on the internet.

At 8 am, the truly awesome part of my weekend began with a loud knock on my door by none other than N "N" A himself! Kara, Mia, and yours truly all entered Nathan's vehicle, and we set out for Cary Quad, where Josh Johnson joined the excitement. Time passed quickly as we discussed baby names and other intriguing topics.

Before we knew it, we were at the Johnsons' house. Josh exited the vehicle and entered his beautiful abode. This stop on our exciting adventure seemed unmonumental at the time, perhaps not even worth mentioning on The Blog. However, we later discovered that within the Johnson house, Mrs. Johnson bakes amazing food. You would have to taste it to understand, but just take my word for it.

The rest of us went to Kara's uncle's house, where Amanda, Faith and Mrs. Wegener were. Kara, Mia, and yours truly entered the lovely house, as N "N" A roared off to who knows where.

Mrs. Wegener drove us to the beautiful Wegener home, where time passed very quickly. I read the children several books, including an encyclopedia article entitled "Picasso, Pablo". Unfortunately, that story bored dear Ben, so we moved on to a Dr. Seuss book that he enjoyed much more. I was deeply disappointed that he didn't enjoy the encyclopedia article very much, because I had done my very best to use tonal fluctuations to make the story more interesting. I even paused to describe the term "Cubism" to him.

We played several deeply entertaining games of "Sorry!" Unfortunately, through the game, we discovered that dear Paul is a tad fickle. Once he decided that Amanda's team was going to beat the team that Faith and I were on, he promptly left us and joined her team. I have since gotten over the pain. The fact that Faith and I beat Amanda and Paul helped slightly.

On Sunday morning, we went to church, and Pastor Bailey decided that it was my turn to make dinner this Sunday. I should never have agreed to that bet, but who would have thought that he really uses the word "Adam" in every sermon? I shall never doubt Kara again. At least not when Sunday dinner is at stake.

After church, we went home to a delectable meal cooked by Mrs. Wegener. It was absolutely scrumptious. Following the meal, we were able to play with the adorable children for several more hours before it was time to go home. We were all exceedingly bummed to leave.

On the way home, we listened to several enlightening Beatles CD's because we hitched a ride with Andrew instead of N "N" A.

We stopped by the Johnson's house on the way home to regain Josh. It was at that point that we got a glimpse of the house's awesomeness. As we pulled into the driveway, Mrs. Johnson came out with a box of amazing food for us! We were so stoked. The heavenly loaf of wheat bread got us all the way home (except for a quick stop at Arby's which the others insisted on). And I just now discovered the cinnamon swirl bread. In fact, I am eating it right now (those awesome multi-tasking skills!).

We then returned to Paradise. Andrew was very stoked to see my sister, because he had not seen her for almost 24 hours. She was very stoked to see all of us because she was lonely due to our absence. I guess the person who slept in her bed didn't stay for very long.

After we had unpacked Andrew's trunk, we discovered an exciting box that had arrived the day before. It was adressed to "Jessica Young". Stokedly, I opened it. I had a surmise as to its contents because I recognized the handwriting on the front of the box. As soon as I caught a glimpse of its contents, my stokedness increased exponentionally. Swedish cinnamon rolls, cookies, and muffins from my mother all for me!!!!! After I read the note, I discovered that they were not all for me and that I was to share with my roommates. However, my stokedness did not decline.
Jessica 1:11 PM | 2 comments |

Monday, February 05, 2007

A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there were three brothers. They were princes. The eldest was Guy, the crown prince. The middle brother was named Player. The youngest of the three was Dude. All three of the brothers were expected to marry well-bred princesses from any of the surrounding kingdoms. However, no one really cared about who Player or Dude married because she would not become queen.

Guy, being an obedient son, promptly married a crowd-pleasing princess when he became of age.

Player didn’t settle down.

No one noticed when Dude gave his heart away to a sweet little commoner named Chick. He didn’t intend to do anything wrong; however, he was attracted to her innocence and lack of the pompous manner associated with most princesses.

Every afternoon, Dude and Chick would go walking in the fields of purple flowers surrounding the palace. He knew he loved her and that the feeling was mutual. However, marrying her would be rebelling against his father and disrespecting the whole kingdom. Still, he would walk with her everyday, hoping the carefree days would never end.

One day, he accidentally let his tongue slip, and three little words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them.

“Ditto!” Chick exclaimed with such devotion, that Dude felt his heart melt.

That night, after he walked her home to the little mud hut she lived in, Dude knew he had to confess to his father that he was in love with a commoner.

“My son, you can’t shame the kingdom by marrying her,” was the king’s verdict. “We both know that Guy will be king after me and not you, but marrying her will give our whole kingdom a bad name. I won’t force you to stop loving her, but you can never marry her.”

“Yes, Father,” Dude replied obediently.

Meanwhile, in a far away kingdom, a king named Darth was plotting with his daughter Dart. “My dear, if you marry Player, I will personally put a bullet through Guy’s head. Then the kingdom will be ours!”

Dart was every bit as evil as her father. She promptly set out to woo Player. That was no problem; he loved her immediately. However, he did not love only her. Dart wrote home to her father of this impediment. Darth immediately sent forth an army to kill off Player’s other lovers.

“It must be an omen that every one you’ve loved except me has been killed,” Dart hinted to Player. However, he was rather dense, so she hinted farther: “I really dig your dead mother’s engagement rock.”

Finally, Player married Dart.

At the wedding, Guy was tragically killed by a pot of boiling water accidentally dropped on him by a newly hired maid who came from the land that Darth ruled.

Meanwhile, another newly hired maid from the same land was recklessly sharpening a butcher knife in the presence of the king. Suddenly, the blade slipped from her hand, and would have pierced the king in the heart had it not been for a sweet little commoner named Chick, who pulled the king to safety once she discerned what was happening.

Both maids were immediately locked in prison towers.

That night, fate intervened and Player fell tragically ill with a serious case of hives. He died at 2 a.m.

“My son, you are now the crown prince” the rather dense king announced to Dude what he had already figured out on his own.

“You got it,” Dude replied.

“So, who do you intend to marry?” the king asked Dude.

“You know very well, father,” he replied coldly. “But apparently I will have to marry some snobbish princess of your choosing.”

“Son, you are blinded by love! Do you not see that the reputation of our entire kingdom is at stake?” the king bellowed.

“Yes, Father,” Dude regained his submissive disposition. “I’ll dump her in the morning.” However, Dude did not intend to see the morning.

He took a quick swig of something marked “biohazard” that he found in the dungeon and promptly went to bed.

Meanwhile, the tale of Chick saving the king’s life was spreading like wildfire across the kingdom.

The following morning, the king awoke to the thunderous roar of thousands of voices. He walked out onto his balcony and saw throngs of people. “We want Chick! We want Chick!” they chanted. Some were holding picket signs with slogans such as “Let the people pick their queen!”

The king promptly died of a heart attack.

The following morning, Dude woke up. His first thought was “blimey, I’m alive!” His second thought was “blimey, I’m king!” (Dude took the time to walk over to his window and see his dead father’s body on the balcony between the two thoughts.)

“Well, I guess I ought to please the people and marry the chick of their choosing,” he decided, feeling much happier about being submissive than he had the night before.

“Blimey, some of the 24-hour poison is missing!” Dude heard one of the maids exclaim from the dungeon.

“What exactly is 24-hour poison?” Dude queried.

“It kills you exactly 24 hours after you drink it,” the maid replied.

Dude excused himself and went and puked in the bathroom. Then, he donned his favorite Pink Spiders T-shirt and went to go propose to his true love.

He found her home deserted.

Word quickly spread that Chick had disappeared. The people went into mourning. (Some were already slightly bummed over the death of their king; however, now they went all-out and even dressed in black mourning clothes.)

The royal army was immediately commanded to set out in search of Chick. Dude also set out on his most trusty steed, vowing not return without his beloved.

Meanwhile, Chick was biding her time away locked in a tower in a faraway kingdom. Darth, in a fit of anger, had kidnapped her in revenge of Player’s death (which he was sure was no accident.) Her long beautiful hair grew and grew and her sweet countenance grew sadder and sadder.

One day, Darth was sitting in his lawn reading a fairy tale by the name of “Rapunzel”. Upon glancing up, he happened to catch sight of Chick’s long beautiful hair hanging from the tower. Immediately, he sent a maid to go hack it off.

Chick cried a river.

Dude traveled far and wide in search of his true love. One fair day, nearly a year after Chick’s initial disappearance, he heard a faint sweet sound. It was the sound of his beloved singing their favorite Pink Spiders song!

Dude rode in the direction of the sound as swiftly as he could. It was dusk by the time he found her.

“My darling,” he whispered.

“Dude!” Chick exclaimed.

“Sshh,” Dude warned. He pondered how to get up to Chick. The walls of the castle were too smooth to permit climbing.

“Blimey, when did you last cut your hair?” Chick asked in a hushed whisper.

“A year or two ago. I haven’t had time to cut it in my earnest search for you!” Dude replied. Suddenly he got a brilliant idea. He threw up the end of his hair to Chick, who tied it to the lone bar dividing her window. Swiftly, Dude climbed up to Chick. She wrapped her arms around him, and he climbed back down with Chick on his back. Pulling out his dagger, he chopped off his hair.

“I never liked crew cuts,” Chick stated. “Good thing I already dig you!”

“It’ll grow back, sweetie,” Dude reassured her as he swung her up onto his horse. They rode back in triumph and were greeted by hoards of adoring people once they returned to the kingdom.

Meanwhile, Darth was lying on his lawn reading “Beauty and the Beast” when he noticed some long hair tied to his prison tower blowing freely in the wind.

“Bloody heck!” he exclaimed in a thunderous growl. He leapt onto his trustiest horse to set out to regain Chick; however, in his haste, he accidentally led his horse off a cliff and promptly died.

Chick and Dude got married and lived happily ever after.

Jessica 9:06 PM | 6 comments |

Thursday, February 01, 2007

My Evil Twin Sister and Me Conniving


Jessica 12:25 PM | 2 comments |
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