Thursday, February 15, 2007
Inamorato and the Mashed Potatoes
Once upon a time there was a princess named Sultana. Sultana lived in a beautiful castle on a hill. At the foot of the hill was a moat infested with vicious crocodiles. Because of these dreadful crocodiles, no handsome knight dared to cross over the moat to propose to lovely Sultana.
Or so Sultana thought. She was actually quite disillusioned. The true reason no man dared ever to propose to her was because of her hideous face. Thankfully, Sultana owned no mirror. Therefore, she never had the displeasure of gazing upon her own harrowing countenance.
One day, Sultana received a heart-wrenching telegraph announcing that her parents had both died tragically in a game of spoons. Sultana went into mourning and cried without ceasing until she received another startling telegraph.
This telegraph was from her dear aunt Eunice. It read, "I accidentally left a pair of socks at your parents' castle when I last visited them. If you would be so kind as to ship them to me when the estate is settled, I would be much obliged. They are orange with pink polka dots. Much affection, Aunt Eunice."
This telegraph caused poor Sultana a great shock. It was several minutes before she could breathe normally.
"It's addressed to--to--Queen Sultana!" Sultana finally stammered, revealing the cause of her shock. "I'm queen!"
Meanwhile, on the other side of the planet, a handsome, respectable knight was being very punctilious in his life calling, which was slaying dragons. His name was Inamorato.
"Blimey, there's another one!" cried Inamorato upon noticing a dragon peering in through his kitchen window. Girding himself with his trusty rusty sword, Inamorato exited his castle, sad to leave his warm mashed potatoes, but glad to fulfill his life calling.
Once the dragon was dead, Inamorato returned to his dinner which was sadly quite cold. (The dragon had been rather disagreeable about dying.)
"Blimey, my dinner's cold," said Inamorato as he poked his cold mashed potatoes. "And these aren't even real mashed potatoes--they're from a mix! This dinner frickin' sucks!"
Just then, a chick knocked on Inamorato's door. He got up to answer it.
"Why hello, Floosie," Inamorato said, recognizing his female neighbor. He was in no mood to see visitors due to his sudden realization that he had been eating crap for the past 14 years (His parents had tragically died in a bumper car accident when he was four, and he had been forced to cook for himself ever since.) However, being the epitome of "gentleman", Inamorato held his tongue.
"You look rather disheartened," Floosie commented as she invited herself inside. She sat down at Inamorato's kitchen table. "Blimey, what have you been eating? Plain mashed potatoes from a mix?"
"Why, yes. How observant of you," Inamorato commented icily.
"What you need is a wife," Floosie commented. "Then you would come home from dragon slaying every night, and a warm made-from-scratch dinner would be waiting for you."
"By golly, you're right!" Inamorato exclaimed.
"Oh, Inamorato, I never thought the day would finally come that you would see!" Floosie exclaimed, looking quite enamored. "Kiss me, baby!"
But Inamorato was not listening. Quickly, he donned his cape and grabbed his trusty rusty sword and set out in search of a wife. He brushed passed Floosie and rushed from his home.
Inamorato ran and ran and ran until he tragically bumped into a helpless looking little old man with a 4 foot long white beard.
"Golly, I'm sorry!" Inamorato stammered. "Who the heck are you?"
"I'm the wise old man on the mountain. What can I help you with?" replied the little old man.
"Mountain? No wonder my legs are so sore!" Inamorato exclaimed as he looked over the railing of the scenic overlook. "Well, since you offered, I'd really dig some advice. I'm looking for a wife, but not just any wife. She has to be able to make mashed potatoes from scratch. So where do I find her?"
"Golly, that's a tough one," the wise old man replied. "Try the other side of the planet."
"Alright. Thank you kindly," Inamorato replied while slaying the wise old man's pet dragon. Once the creature was liquidated, he set out on a long journey, all the while slaying dragons.
One evening, Inamorato was resting from his travels in a friendly little tavern. "What's your vocation?" one of the regulars asked.
"I slay dragons," Inamorato replied. "I haven't seen any for months, however. What's with these parts?"
"Dragons? What are dragons?" asked the regulars, crowding around the lone traveler.
"You know, those big scaly creatures," replied Inamorato. His audience murmured among themselves, confused.
"Don't tell me there aren't dragons in these parts!" Inamorato exclaimed. "They're big, and green-"
"Ah, you mean crocodiles!" one of the regulars finally exclaimed.
"So you people have your own word for dragons," Inamorato laughed. "But please do tell me where I can find some, er, 'crocodiles'. I haven't slain one for nearly four months!"
"There's a moat that's full of them just 3 miles south of here," one of the men offered. "Let's have another round!"
Another round was had.
The following morning, Inamorato rose early to fulfill his life calling. He trudged all the way to the moat, all the while whistling and swinging his trusty rusty sword.
“Blimey, those are some funny-looking dragons,” Inamorato thought to himself as he began to slay them.
Meanwhile, Sultana was peering from her window. “Oh! He’s come to marry me!” she swooned with delight.
“Blimey, these are some funny-acting dragons!” Inamorato began to panic. “What large teeth they have!”
Just then, one of the crocodiles lunged for Inamorato’s head and made off with both his eyeballs.
“Blimey! I think I’ll switch vocation!” Inamorato decided as he blindly thrust his trusty rusty sword in the side of the last crocodile.
“Oh, darling, you’ve come at last!” Sultana exclaimed with delight as she cradled Inamorato’s wounded head in her arm. "Come up to our home, and have something to eat!”
“Mashed… potatoes…” Inamorato whispered before fainting from lack of blood. When he awoke, there was a plate of freshly mashed potatoes in front of him and a king’s crown on his head.
“Sweet deal,” he decided. “It’s a bummer I can’t gaze upon your beauteous countenance.”
“You poor dear,” replied Sultana. “Have some more mashed potatoes.”
They lived happily ever after.
Or so Sultana thought. She was actually quite disillusioned. The true reason no man dared ever to propose to her was because of her hideous face. Thankfully, Sultana owned no mirror. Therefore, she never had the displeasure of gazing upon her own harrowing countenance.
One day, Sultana received a heart-wrenching telegraph announcing that her parents had both died tragically in a game of spoons. Sultana went into mourning and cried without ceasing until she received another startling telegraph.
This telegraph was from her dear aunt Eunice. It read, "I accidentally left a pair of socks at your parents' castle when I last visited them. If you would be so kind as to ship them to me when the estate is settled, I would be much obliged. They are orange with pink polka dots. Much affection, Aunt Eunice."
This telegraph caused poor Sultana a great shock. It was several minutes before she could breathe normally.
"It's addressed to--to--Queen Sultana!" Sultana finally stammered, revealing the cause of her shock. "I'm queen!"
Meanwhile, on the other side of the planet, a handsome, respectable knight was being very punctilious in his life calling, which was slaying dragons. His name was Inamorato.
"Blimey, there's another one!" cried Inamorato upon noticing a dragon peering in through his kitchen window. Girding himself with his trusty rusty sword, Inamorato exited his castle, sad to leave his warm mashed potatoes, but glad to fulfill his life calling.
Once the dragon was dead, Inamorato returned to his dinner which was sadly quite cold. (The dragon had been rather disagreeable about dying.)
"Blimey, my dinner's cold," said Inamorato as he poked his cold mashed potatoes. "And these aren't even real mashed potatoes--they're from a mix! This dinner frickin' sucks!"
Just then, a chick knocked on Inamorato's door. He got up to answer it.
"Why hello, Floosie," Inamorato said, recognizing his female neighbor. He was in no mood to see visitors due to his sudden realization that he had been eating crap for the past 14 years (His parents had tragically died in a bumper car accident when he was four, and he had been forced to cook for himself ever since.) However, being the epitome of "gentleman", Inamorato held his tongue.
"You look rather disheartened," Floosie commented as she invited herself inside. She sat down at Inamorato's kitchen table. "Blimey, what have you been eating? Plain mashed potatoes from a mix?"
"Why, yes. How observant of you," Inamorato commented icily.
"What you need is a wife," Floosie commented. "Then you would come home from dragon slaying every night, and a warm made-from-scratch dinner would be waiting for you."
"By golly, you're right!" Inamorato exclaimed.
"Oh, Inamorato, I never thought the day would finally come that you would see!" Floosie exclaimed, looking quite enamored. "Kiss me, baby!"
But Inamorato was not listening. Quickly, he donned his cape and grabbed his trusty rusty sword and set out in search of a wife. He brushed passed Floosie and rushed from his home.
Inamorato ran and ran and ran until he tragically bumped into a helpless looking little old man with a 4 foot long white beard.
"Golly, I'm sorry!" Inamorato stammered. "Who the heck are you?"
"I'm the wise old man on the mountain. What can I help you with?" replied the little old man.
"Mountain? No wonder my legs are so sore!" Inamorato exclaimed as he looked over the railing of the scenic overlook. "Well, since you offered, I'd really dig some advice. I'm looking for a wife, but not just any wife. She has to be able to make mashed potatoes from scratch. So where do I find her?"
"Golly, that's a tough one," the wise old man replied. "Try the other side of the planet."
"Alright. Thank you kindly," Inamorato replied while slaying the wise old man's pet dragon. Once the creature was liquidated, he set out on a long journey, all the while slaying dragons.
One evening, Inamorato was resting from his travels in a friendly little tavern. "What's your vocation?" one of the regulars asked.
"I slay dragons," Inamorato replied. "I haven't seen any for months, however. What's with these parts?"
"Dragons? What are dragons?" asked the regulars, crowding around the lone traveler.
"You know, those big scaly creatures," replied Inamorato. His audience murmured among themselves, confused.
"Don't tell me there aren't dragons in these parts!" Inamorato exclaimed. "They're big, and green-"
"Ah, you mean crocodiles!" one of the regulars finally exclaimed.
"So you people have your own word for dragons," Inamorato laughed. "But please do tell me where I can find some, er, 'crocodiles'. I haven't slain one for nearly four months!"
"There's a moat that's full of them just 3 miles south of here," one of the men offered. "Let's have another round!"
Another round was had.
The following morning, Inamorato rose early to fulfill his life calling. He trudged all the way to the moat, all the while whistling and swinging his trusty rusty sword.
“Blimey, those are some funny-looking dragons,” Inamorato thought to himself as he began to slay them.
Meanwhile, Sultana was peering from her window. “Oh! He’s come to marry me!” she swooned with delight.
“Blimey, these are some funny-acting dragons!” Inamorato began to panic. “What large teeth they have!”
Just then, one of the crocodiles lunged for Inamorato’s head and made off with both his eyeballs.
“Blimey! I think I’ll switch vocation!” Inamorato decided as he blindly thrust his trusty rusty sword in the side of the last crocodile.
“Oh, darling, you’ve come at last!” Sultana exclaimed with delight as she cradled Inamorato’s wounded head in her arm. "Come up to our home, and have something to eat!”
“Mashed… potatoes…” Inamorato whispered before fainting from lack of blood. When he awoke, there was a plate of freshly mashed potatoes in front of him and a king’s crown on his head.
“Sweet deal,” he decided. “It’s a bummer I can’t gaze upon your beauteous countenance.”
“You poor dear,” replied Sultana. “Have some more mashed potatoes.”
They lived happily ever after.
Jessica 7:17 PM
5 Comments:
... And conveniently enough, you make really good mashed potatoes.
Why thank you! :-D
Slight overuse of the word "tragically." Not nearly as slight overuse of euphemisms in the speech of what's-his-face.
Honey, I think you need to quit dreaming about being a princess and do something productive. If you don't have any homework, I can come up with something for you to do.
Honey, I think you need to quit dreaming about being a princess and do something productive. If you don't have any homework, I can come up with something for you to do.
It's better than watching a movie about monks performing gruesome autopsies like Mia and I were doing.
ROFL - almost. LOL for sure.
(Was it Brother Cadfael? Those are great fun.)
(Was it Brother Cadfael? Those are great fun.)